A popular song goes: “You trick me once, I won’t let you trick me twice.” But love has a tendency of sweeping many people off their feet, making them overlook a lot of important things.The result is a broken heart, and a misguided thought that “I must have done something wrong”.
Many times, the signs are all there early in the dating process, well that is if you are paying close attention. Let’s consider some instances
What he says: You are the person I have been looking for my whole life.
When he says it: The first time he meets you
The Deal: Guys like this claim to fall in love — QUICKLY. They give you the sense that they have been waiting and waiting and waiting for someone just like you, and they tell you on the first or second date. They will start strong—calling often, texting even more often, and it plays right into your self-esteem. Then, once you have slept with them and/or shared your mutual feelings, it stops… and they leave you wondering: “What did I do wrong?”
What to do: Be sure to see the signs of this trap. If they are pouring in to you (and your self-esteem) to such an extreme so soon, chances are it’s not real. Granted, love-at-first-sight may be a possibility… but if the love is right, it will be there weeks or months down the line.
What he says: “I miss you.”
What he says the next day: “We should give each other a break!”
The Deal: He says he cares, then he goes dark. He wants to see you, then he asks you why you are so demanding/clingy/all over him.
What to do: Hot-and-cold behaviour doesn’t work… except for him. Instead of trying to adjust yourself and your expectations (over and over again) for someone who will constantly change the game, you need to make a clear decision that you will not settle for anyone’s second-best approach to being involved with you—in any capacity.
You are worth more than the way you are being treated, and you need to stop settling for it and tolerating it. Tell him what you want, and if he doesn’t change his ways, you are either being played, or he isn’t ready for you. Either way: Move on.
Why It Happens
The most common reason people get played boils down to one thing: Need. Guys like this watch and wait opportunity to fill a specific need that their victim is looking for. And not just any need; a core need they really want filled: affection, security, attention, freedom, romance, etc.
Once that need begins being filled, the victim starts ignoring the player’s other not-so-good behaviour. Either due to a lack of knowledge or calculated planning, the player begins dropping back, and stops fulfilling their victim’s other needs—but the initial core need is still being met.
This affects the self-esteem, as the victim begins wondering why one need is being filled, but not the rest, and may begin to wonder that perhaps “I am not worth it” but in an effort to feel a sense of self-worth, they continue putting up with worse and worse behaviour… until the player leaves.
The End Result
The victim feels worthless; like a failure, and wonders what they did wrong, and what they did to deserve being treated so poorly. Their self-esteem has taken multiple hits, and they need a boost. And oftentimes, another player begins filling that core need… and the cycle repeats.
The Way Out
What’s needed is a realization that in any relationship, there will be needs of yours that can be met, and others that your partner can’t possibly meet, because they either aren’t aware, don’t have the skills, or simply don’t want to.
Hence, it is better to cut things off sooner—rather than later— and seek your love needs in a place (and with a person) with whom it can be met and/or appreciated.