When your teen is angry and screaming at you, the temptation for many of us is to fight back and scream louder so you “win” the argument. But what does that do? It’s natural to want to push back or stand up for yourself if someone pushes your buttons or provokes you in some way. We often unknowingly internalize this message and it becomes a parent’s mantra: “I’m not going to let my own child walk all over me.
The temptation to yell or fight back is so great that it can feel nearly impossible to resist. Yet giving in to that temptation can be quite costly in ways you probably didn’t realize. When you yell or scream back at your child, it simply challenges him and effectively “ups the ante.” To put it another way, it escalates the argument. Not only that, but it keeps the fight going longer—the more you try to “win” and come out on top, the more your child fights back, so the louder you yell, and then he starts throwing things… When does it end?
Understand that in addition to prolonging the argument—and encouraging your child to keep it going—yelling back also means that you’re giving up your power. You and your child are now on the same level; you’re equal. You are engaging in the same exact behavior and as long as you do that, you’re only going to get more of it from your child time and time again. By bringing you down to his level, your child gains the perception that he’s in control because he can make you lose control by getting you angry
The Brain of an Angry Teen
First and foremost, it’s important to realize that even though adolescents might engage in adult-like behaviors or try to act like adults, they do not have the brains of adults. The brains of adolescents are still developing, and they continue to do so into their early to mid-twenties. That considered, it does not make sense to really expect children to act like we do as adults. In fact, kids often perceive things in a very different way than we do, in part due to faulty or distorted thinking. The danger comes in when they use this distorted thinking to justify or rationalize their angry behavior.
In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman identifies several different kinds of faulty thinking that kids experience. Keep in mind that faulty thinking is not something someone engages in intentionally. Rather, these are automatic thoughts, like “It’s not my fault that I broke the door. I was mad at my brother.” Or, “My teacher’s a jerk. Why should I do what she says?” If you pay attention to your own thoughts, I’m sure you’ll find that you experience faulty thinking from time to time as well, because it doesn’t just occur in children
What Not to Do
Yell, curse, or name-call: There’s no excuse for abuse—not by your child and not by you. In the same way that playing the victim role is no excuse for your child to abuse someone else, your child abusing you does not excuse your yelling, cursing, or name-calling. Being verbally abusive to your child only makes things worse, both in the short-term when the argument escalates, and in the long-term when your child’s behavior doesn’t change and your relationship becomes strained.
Threaten with consequences: It’s always most effective to avoid threatening your child with specific consequences in the heat of the moment. For example, saying, “If you don’t stop, I’m taking your computer for 3 days” is not likely to get your child to suddenly stop yelling and retreat to his room. Instead, it will upset your child even more and keep the argument going. What’s more effective is to say, “If you choose not to go to your room and calm down, there will be a consequence later” and then walk away
Last but not least, one of the single best ways to teach kids is by example. Role modeling is one of the key components of teaching kids how to behave. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you don’t want your child to yell at you, don’t yell at him. If you don’t want your child to curse, don’t curse. As James Lehman says, “You’ve got to model the behavior you want to see from your child.
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