Everybody knows boys are just not talkers. Their brains are wired differently when it comes to language and emotion. Boys are doers not thinkers. Boys are naturally better at math and visual spatial tasks.
The difference between boys and girls appear to be more about how they are raised than how they were born. Boys are more competitive, independent and aggressive. They are less verbal, more emotionally constrained and less likely to reveal personal information including how they feel.
So, despite the fact that almost all male-female differences are learned, it is nevertheless a challenge to get teenage boys to talk about their hopes, dreams, feelings and personal thoughts.
What’s a parent to do?
Educate yourself.
Get to know your kid. What are their interests? Who are their friends? What music do they like? What are their school classes? It is easier to have a conversation with someone when you can reference things that matter to them. It allows you to ask specific, relevant questions rather than general, open ended questions.
Stop, look and listen
Stop what you are doing when they are around. Give them your full attention. Look at them when you are talking to them (but don’t stare). Use good listening skills like not interrupting, showing non-verbal signs of interest and give responses that encourage further discussion.
Wait before you respond.
Boys seem to take longer to gather their thoughts before speaking. It can sometimes appear as though they have finished what they had to say when really they are just organizing the next part of their response. This is especially true for emotionally loaded issues. So, don’t jump in too soon. This can lead to your son talking less and less knowing that you are going to interrupt or that you will just carry the conversation and save them the trouble of actually talking.
Speak in short sentences.
Boys tend to talk in shorter sentences (though they will often produce as much or more actual words). Match this style by speaking in shorter sentences. Work on saying what you have to say in 3 sentences and then stop. It requires them to be more active in the conversation as well as mirroring their own style.
Start with facts.
“Did you know . . .” “Was Johnny there?” “What was the hardest part of the test?” Boys are as emotional as girls. Feelings also matter to them as much as they do to girls. However, boys (unlike girls) are more likely to freeze if you start out a conversation focusing on emotions. Begin with information and facts then work your way around to the emotional elements.
Have real conversations.
Asking your kid a lot of questions is not having a conversation. Make sure you actually talk to them. Ask their opinion. Talk about things that are important to you. Discuss issues of the day. Speak honestly about your opinions, hopes and fears (but try not to traumatize them).
Hang out with them.
Shared activities are an ideal context for communication. Not that they will actually talk to you when you wander in to watch them play video games or watch the show they are looking at. Once they see you are just hanging out, showing an interest, they will start to relax. They still won’t talk to you but later, when you are around them when they aren’t playing video games they will be more likely to actually respond to your attempts to communicate.
Notice changes in their mood.
This one is a bit tricky. Even these days, boys get lots of messages to be tough and unemotional. Calling too much attention to their emotional state can feel threatening to them. On the other hand, recognizing and acknowledging that they seem to be feeling something strongly makes them more likely to open up about it. So, first, be sure to notice any time they are particularly happy, excited or interested. “Boy you sure are chipper.” “Looks like you’re having a good day.” These emotions are the least threatening ones for them to admit to. Be tentative when you notice a more negative emotional mood. “Everything ok. You seem kind of distracted.” Later, go check on them about something completely different. Offer some reassurance or expression of affection “Hey, you know I love you. Right?” They will know why you stopped by. After a day or so you can even try “So, what was going on the other day?” Eventually, you may get them to respond while they are actually going through the experience!
Use laughter and humor.
Humor is a great technique to elicit a response. Guy humor is playful and challenging but good natured. It can also be very aggressive and deeply insulting. Stick to the playful, even corny side of humor. Avoid using sarcasm and actual put downs unless you are sure they will not misinterpret it.
Ignore his lack of response.
Don’t give up. A teenage boy’s lack of response does not automatically mean your efforts are not paying off. If he doesn’t respond with outright hostility to your presence or your attempts to communicate, you are succeeding! It just may take a little longer than you first realized.
If you are having enjoyable, meaningful conversations with your son continue what you are doing. Don’t try to fix what ain’t broken.
