Skill Focus: How to be Polite
Politeness is having or showing behaviour that is respectful and considerate of other people. So, basically it’s treating people with respect. In English, as in any language, It’s not just what you want to say that matters: It’s also how you say it.
So how can we say what we want to say without risking causing offence?
There are things we can do:
1. Don’t talk too loudly. Talk softly
2. Like suitable ‘body of language’. Don’t stand too near – or too far away from – the person you are talking to.
Make sure that your face is that of a person of goodwill.
Use appropriate phrases that we can call
Use appropriate hand gestures
3. Always use the magic word Sorry
This word can be used in many ways: to interrupt, to apologise, to show you don’t understand, to disagree. It diffuses tension and it allows you to start a statement more comfortably.
Sorry, but can I just say something here
Sorry, but I don’t really agree
Sorry, but I think that’s out of the question
4. Use certain phrases that we can call ‘politeness signals’.
For example:
I wonder if……
Would you mind….?
I’m terribly very sorry, but…..
Would you mind ….. ing…?
In these phrases, and all similar ones, the word please is always useful.
An ‘If’ phrase or clause also helps:
If possible….
If you wouldn’t mind….
5. Avoid negative words – instead use positive words in a negative form
People react to positive sounding words, even if they are used with a negative auxiliary.
Don’t say: I think that’s a bad idea.
Say: I don’t think that’s such a good idea.
Let’s go for a good cop, bad cop approach in this negotiation!
I don’t think that’s such a good idea. They might see through it.
6. Avoid ‘finger pointing’ statements with the word ‘you’
This is aggressive and too direct. Try to avoid saying ‘you’ and put the focus on ‘I’ or ‘we’.
Don’t say: You don’t understand me.
Say: Perhaps I’m not making myself clear.
Don’t say:You didn’t explain this point.
Say: I didn’t understand this point.
Don’t say: You need to give us a better price.
Say: We’re looking for a better price.
Here are six principles of Politeness
- Uncertainty Principle – This principle states that you should show some uncertainty when giving your opinion.
-
Indirect Question Principle – This principle states that you using indirect questions and question tags will make you sound more polite.
-
Respect Intelligence Principle – This principle states that you should credit the other person with intelligence and knowledge.
-
Sensitive Correction Principle – This principle states that you should correct errors and mistakes in a sensitive way so that the other person does not lose face.
-
Reluctant Disagreement Principle – This principle states that you should show the other person that you are not happy or comfortable when you disagree with them.
-
Avoid Direct Commands Principle – This principle states that you should try to avoid direct commands and orders because they make it sound like you are imposing on them.
Politeness Guidelines
- Apologise for your mistakes. If you say or do something that may be considered rude or embarrassing then apologise, but don’t overdo your apologies.
- Be assertive when necessary but respect the right of others to be assertive too.
- Be punctual. If you have arranged to meet somebody at a certain time make sure you are on time, or even a few minutes early. If you are going to be late let the other person/people know as far in advance as you can. Do not rely on feeble or exaggerated excuses to explain lateness. Respect other people’s time and don’t waste it.
- Learn to listen attentively – pay attention to others while they speak – do not get distracted mid-conversation and do not interrupt.
- Respect, and be prepared to listen to, the ideas and opinions of others. Respect other people’s time. Try to be precise and to-the-point in explanations without appearing to be rushed.
- Say hello to people – Greet people appropriately, gain eye contact and smile naturally, shake hands or hug where appropriate but say hello, especially to colleagues and other people you see every day. Be approachable. Do not blank people just because you’re having a bad day.
- Take time to make some small talk – Perhaps mention the weather or ask about the other person’s family or talk about something that is in the news. Make an effort to engage in light conversation, show some interest, but don’t overdo it. Remain friendly and positive and pick up on the verbal and non-verbal signals from the other person.
- Try to remember things about the other person and comment appropriately – use their spouse’s name, their birthday, any significant events that have occurred (or are about to occur) in their life. Always be mindful of others’ problems and difficult life events.
- Don’t use abusive language – Always use appropriate language. Be respectful of gender, race, religion and political viewpoints and avoid other potentially controversial or difficult subjects. Do not make derogatory or potentially inflammatory comments.
- Use humour carefully. Aim not to cause any offence and know the boundaries of appropriate language for different situations.
