There is certainly no good in goodbye, the reason it can be the hardest thing to say. More so when things end badly, or when you believe they could have been better resolved.
You may have thought of yourselves as best friends forever, but sadly, that forever came to an end. He may have been that ‘special’ friend who always seemed to make your day brighter, and was the only one who really ‘got’ you, but not anymore since you’ve now gone your separate ways. The friendship may have been platonic, romantic, or one which with time may have blossomed into something special. It is important to analyse what went wrong, and if there are good reasons to want back what was lost.
1. What Caused the Fight?
It is important that you ask this question to find out if it was a difference over something minor, or something major. For example, was it because you refused to tell a lie for them; refused to engage in a sexual act; or because of a thoughtless, but forgivable remark that was made?
2. While You Were Friends, Were They Good To You?
There are some friendships that nourish us, and help us become our best selves. Did your friend have a positive influence on you, helped you display good qualities and be a better person? Or did (s)he make you feel inferior, bring you down with words – whether openly or stylishly, and did you always had to be a different person around them ?
3. Are You Thinking With Your Heart or Your Head?
Someone once said that in dealing with ourselves, we must think with our heart; but in dealing with others we must think with our head. So, ask yourself objectively – that is with your feelings removed – if this person is really good for you or not. Do you see their faults, and their good points clearly? Are their faults things you can tolerate? Would you expect someone to be just as considerate of you?
4. Should You Also Share in the Blame?
In Step 3, you considered the behaviour of your friend. Remember that the bad manners of others is no excuse to behave badly ourselves. So, you should check yourself too because it’s easier to point out the faults of others while ours stare us in the face. Ask yourself: Should I also share in the blame for ending our friendship? Did I end it on strong principles and convictions, in which case there’s no need for self-blame? Did I raise the bar too high, expecting them to be perfect?
Whatever answers you get from these questions will help you decide if you should take the next steps:
1. Initiate Reconciliation
Get your ego out of the way, and approach this person. If there is a need to apologise for your bad behaviour, or for not handling the situation better, admit it. The admission of your own guilt may soften their heart and move him/her to follow suit.
2. Tell Them How They Made You Feel
To forgive someone is not to pretend something never happened. So, tell them how their words or actions hurt you, not defensively or self-righteously, just matter-of-factly. They might learn from this, and ensure not to repeat it. Watch what their response is to determine if you still have a future together.
3. Are They Defensive, Insensitive or Sorry?
Were they truly sorry for their own role in the break-up, and did it show in their speech and attitude? Or they defended their actions, and did not feel a need to own up and make amend for their error?
4. Make a Decision
Having taken these steps, the outcome will determine what you do next. If they own up to their mistakes, then you both could recommence your friendship. But if otherwise, you will have to accept that your friend doesn’t care about you or your friendship as much as you do, and that it’s time to move on. Friendship of any kind is a two-way street which requires equal commitment from both party.
