Ugggh! Mom, you just don’t understand me!
“No. I understand perfectly. You still aren’t going!” is your mom’s answer to your request to attend Ejike’s party.
This heated exchange was in turn followed by tears as they streamed down your cheeks unbidden, while you struggled to breath; at that instant, you were undoubtedly sure that she’s not really your mother, you must have been adopted! you declare.
The love-hate relationship between mothers and daughters is not unique to you, it has happened to many before you, and will happen to many more after. Mothers drive daughters crazy, and sometimes, it seems that all they do is pretend to know something they don’t, to pry into your business and try to act cool. But don’t forget, daughters drive mothers crazy at times, too.
It isn’t easy being a daughter and as you get older, it seems to get harder. But it isn’t any easier to be a mother either. Your mother simply wants to protect you from the suffering they themselves had to deal with. They want you to be outgoing if they were shy, to be studious even when they never were (you know the ”I always had straight As in school” bit).
Yet, all they really want is to raise children that they can be proud of, and a happy healthy child. The maternal instinct makes them want nothing less than to keep their children safe (one of which is keeping you safe from Ejike’s greedy and less-than-honourable intentions), and to keep them alive at least until their own passing day.
Despite their best intentions, mothers are not perfect; they make mistakes. Of course they aren’t always going to tell you that! And if they do, they might quote the old saying, “do what I say and not as I do.”
Those of you lucky enough to have mothers should be grateful that you have someone who can help you navigate your paths through life. They deserve your love as much as you deserve theirs. So on those days when things get rough, when the tears start falling and the tempers flare, take a moment to breathe and understand why your mother is saying what she is saying.
Maybe when you reach a point of calmness, you can come to a compromise. If possible, find out why your mother has made her decision. Maybe she doesn’t have all the information. If she holds to her declaration, don’t whine and cry, but take it like an adult, show her that you aren’t a child and that you can truly be trusted.
Another tactic that you may find handy when talking to your mom is letter writing. Sometimes, it is easier to say exactly what you mean when it is put on paper, rather than free falling from your mouth. It helps you to self-reflect, to make sure that what you say is really what you mean.
Like any communication – that between a mother and a daughter – can be confusing, it can need navigation on both sides. However, it is incredibly rewarding and worth ever minute of the challenges. So next time you want to scream out at your mom for telling you that you cannot attend a party:
1. Breathe and try to put yourself in her shoes.
2. Try to find a way to compromise in an adult fashion
3. Ask yourself if what you want is really worth a battle?
