‘I Thought I Was Ready To Lose My Virginity’

(By Carly, 17)

I lost my virginity a couple days ago.

I thought I was ready. I’ve loved (if it can be called that) this boy since eighth grade, so when he texted me during the beginning of our senior year, I was so excited. But, jaded by my infatuation and expectations, I didn’t see how he really felt. I thought he had come back so we could be together, when really, he only wanted to be in my pants.

He never wanted to go on a date. I thought he was just busy. He never called. I told myself I was just busy. When he asked me out to what I thought would be our “first date” this past Friday, I was the happiest girl in the world. I thought: “Finally, he realizes that he needs me. Finally, we’ll really get to talk about stuff.”

But, it was nowhere near a first date. He didn’t even pay for the after-sex meal — I did. He took me to his friend’s house and said his friend was on his way. We watched a movie in the dark basement and then started cuddling and making out. Next thing I knew, it was over and I was putting my clothes back on. The little pleasure I did feel was probably stimulated to try and cover up the excruciating pain.

I realise now how inconsiderate he was and has been to me. The sad part is I know I would do it again. I want him to love me so bad that I would go through it over and over again. I’m a stupid teenager, yes, but for five years he’s had control over my mind and body without even being there.

The message here, fellow teens, is please don’t give it up. It’s not worth it. I wish I could reverse now. I only did it because I thought it would make him want me. Now, I’m stuck with thoughts of this guy that may never go away. My fragile strength is no match for what my brain and heart think they feel. But, if you can stop while you’re ahead, don’t fall for what I’ve fallen for.

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