Did you know that the book Harry Potter was rejected several times? So was the magnificent Twilight. If authors, J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer hadn’t kept trying with publisher after publisher, we would all have missed out on some great adventures.
Life is about going for things. And when we do, rejection is always a possibility. Feeling rejected is the opposite of feeling accepted. But being rejected (and we all will be at times) doesn’t mean someone isn’t liked, valued, or important. It just means that one time, in one situation, with one person, things didn’t work out.
Rejection hurts. But it’s impossible to avoid it altogether. In fact, you don’t want to: People who become too afraid of rejection might hold back from going after something they want. Sure, they avoid rejection, but they are also 100% guaranteed to miss out on what they want but won’t try for.
How to Cope
The better we get at dealing with rejection, the less it affects us. So how can you build that ability to cope? Coping well with rejection involves working with two things: how you feel and what you think. But we will consider how you feel in the first part of the series.
1. Be Honest
If you get rejected, acknowledge it to yourself. Don’t try to brush off the hurt or pretend it’s not painful. Instead of thinking “I shouldn’t feel this way,” think about how normal it is to feel like you do, given your situation.
Notice how intense your feelings are. Did this rejection upset you a lot? Or just a little? Cry if you want to — it’s a natural way to release emotion.
Now, move on to name what you are feeling. For example: “I feel really disappointed that I wasn’t chosen to play on the school team”. “I wanted it so badly, and I tried so hard. I feel left out because my friends made it and I didn’t.”
If you want, tell someone else what happened and how you feel about it. Pick someone who will listen and be supportive.
Telling someone else can help for two reasons:
- It can be reassuring to know that someone understands what you are going through and how it feels.
- It forces you to put your feelings into words.
Whether you decide to share your feelings with someone else or simply think about them yourself, acknowledging feelings can help you move beyond painful emotions.
2. Be Positive
When you are dealing with a painful emotion like rejection, it’s easy to get caught up in the bad feeling. But dwelling on the negative stuff can feel like living the experience over and over again. Not only does it keep hurting, it becomes harder to get past the rejection.
So admit how you feel, but don’t dwell on it. Avoid talking or thinking about it nonstop. Why? Negative thinking influences our expectations, and how we act. Getting stuck in a negative outlook might even bring about more rejection. It certainly doesn’t inspire a person to try again.
In the second part of the series, we shall be considering how you can cope with rejection by working on what you think.
This article first appeared in kidshealth.org.